Saturday, August 30, 2014


This is a repost of something I wrote to amuse my friends on Facebook a while back.  I think it's a good time for me to reiterate all of these points, because now days I get recognized more and more on the streets, plus I have more new friends and acquaintances, so I am more socially awkward than ever.


Top 10 excuses for my social awkwardness:

1) I'm hard of hearing. Half the frickin' time I have no idea what
people are saying to me. Because of that, I'm really good at nodding
my head "yes" when I shouldn't, giving generally inappropriate
responses, and getting a blank look of total non-comprehension on my
face when others are speaking simple sentences to me. I'm sorry.

2) I'm in my own little world. When I'm in line at the store or riding
my bike down the street, and you say "hi" to me, and I look at you
like I've never seen you before in my life, that's because I first
have to rouse myself from my inner world of hobbits, spaceships, and
go-go-girls, before engaging the real world, where real people I know
and love exist. I'm sorry.

3) You're out of context. This one is all your fault! If I know you
from the Dripolatior, please stay there. It confuses the fuck out of
me when I see people outside the usual realm where I know them from.
JCC pool people at the Greenlife?!? How am I supposed to know you? Of
course, this one is really all my fault. I'm sorry.

4) I'm in a hurry/I drank too much caffeine/I just rode my bike up a
massive hill/I am sweating my ass off. Any combination of those things
might make me feel like I gotta get the fuck outta wherever I am ASAP.
I know I haven't seen ya in a long time, and we should chat, but I
gotta run. I'm sorry.

5) I'm high on the reefer. I shouldn't have blazed-up right before
leaving the house. I'm.... uhhhh...

6) I'm a moody little princess.  Sometimes I'm in a grump bigger than
Barbie's Dream House, so if my smile seems forced and my words seem
hollow, it's because my sparkly little pink heart is temporarily full
of hate.  I'd say I'm sorry, but...  fuck you.

7) I'm horrible with names, and I think that makes me a bad person.
Even if I think I know your dang name, I might hesitate to say it,
because I'll suddenly second guess myself, and then I'll have an
internal meltdown about what a horrible person I must be because good
people remember other people's names, right?   Short names are harder
for me to remember, so sorry, Bob...  Ben?  Bill.

8) You're very attractive.  Please mess up your hair or drool on your
sweater, because your extreme good looks are making me sweat profusely
and mumble nonsense.  I might even faint.  I'm sorry I'm so fucking
ugly.  Please forgive me.

9) I'm weird.  Let's face it.  I'm more than a little off.  You say
"Hello,"  I think "Fire truck."  My brain is just a little, um,
different than other people's.  Softer, perhaps, with a slightly smoky
flavor.  I try hard to fit in with your society, but it's an uphill
battle.  Fire truck.

10) You suck.  Sometimes, it's not me, it's you.  I'm sorry, but  I
gotta get the eff away from you, like now, 'n' shit, because: you
fucking suck.  I'm sorry I even know ya.


No comments:

Post a Comment